Things That I Could Never Admit

There are some things,
You always keep a secret,
From yourself,
From him,
Her,
The wall,
The bird,
Things you repress,
At the slightest notion of them coming through,
But these are the things that I couldn’t quite admit,
And today I admit them to you,

  1. I can’t look at you, most definitely not into your eyes,
    Because I’m scared that then I’ll notice,
    How with each passing day,
    You fall more out of love with me.
  2.  I’m scared, no, terrified of how out of control
    my mind can be,
    Letting my hands tremble,
    My stomach sink,
    Allowing bile to rise high,
    So that I can puke,
    And leave.
  3. I forget things,
    And not in the oh she’s so cute,
    She’s forgotten sort of way,
    More like,
    You were my best friend,
    What do you mean you don’t remember the day,
    that cemented our friendship.
  4. I scream until my throat gives out,
    Simply because the heat inside,
    Demands to be cooled,
    And the only way to do so is to release it,
    To the cold piercing air outside.
  5. Dancing is just an excuse to explain,
    The bruises that form up and down my legs,
    Because letting you know that in the middle of the night,
    I wake up,
    Only to continuously fall,
    Until my knees are aching,
    Seems insane,
    And I don’t want to be insane,
    No, not at all.
  6. I sob and sob,
    For things that haven’t even happened yet,
    But somehow my mind has reached to these conclusions,
    And horrific imaginations of everything in my life,
    Falling apart,
    And I want to hold you,
    Keep you locked inside in my arms,
    But I can’t,
    Because then I’m being impractical,
    The world is beautiful,
    And you are strong,
    And while I know this,
    Anxiety does not.
  7. When I look in the mirror,
    I see a hollow body,
    A body in which I have to live,
    A body I can’t fully comprehend as me,
    Cause the girl I see,
    No, she can’t be me,
    Look at her,
    She seems so wrong,
    And so I caress the mirror,
    Where it reflects my face,
    Pulling my hand back just for a second,
    So that I can make a fist,
    And then punch it,
    Hoping to shatter this image of me,
    But there is just pain,
    Shooting up my elbow,
    Because in the list of things I can’t do,
    Punching belongs.
  8. Some days I feel like I don’t want to let go of my mental illnesses,
    I could claim it’s because they are all I’ve known,
    But that’s a load of bullshit,
    No,
    I don’t want to let go because then if something goes wrong,
    If I fail at doing something,
    I can blame it on them,
    Instead of facing the harsh truth,
    That maybe it’s just me.

 

  1. For someone who claims to hate anger,
    I feel angry a lot,
    Angry with the world,
    Angry with my parents,
    With my family,
    Angry at my friends,
    And me,
    Such passion for hatred,
    Towards me,
    Because in my completely “unbiased” opinion,
    There is no one more frustrating,
    Annoying,
    Retarded,
    Self-destructive,
    Than me.
    No person more hypocritical,
    Evasive of their flaws,
    Or self-condescending,
    Than me.
    No person more incappable,
    To do anything right in this world,
    Than me.
  2. I’m only doing this because leaving at an odd number is odd,
    It needs to be even,
    Just like everything else in life needs to be,
    Fair and square,
    Equality is required to make me feel alright,
    Make me feel like life is at balance,
    Leaving me horribly prone to the imbalance,
    That currently exists in this world,
    Leaving me to spiral into a whole new world of crazy,
    Because how,
    No why,
    Are things not even,
    It ticks me off,
    And now my body is tic-ing,
    Spasms in my legs,
    My arms,
    Pulsating erratically,
    Until finally I feel like I can’t breathe,
    And I’m paralyzed in this moment
    So I just shut down.

Some things,
You keep a secret,
Because admitting them,
Just does you more wrong,
But these are things that I couldn’t admit,
And today I just feel strong.

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8 thoughts on “Things That I Could Never Admit

  1. It’s been so long I’ve come across posts I actually want to be reading, thanks for that. From your writing I fell like we’re similar, the way you write or choose to express your thoughts. I might be very wrong but it’s wonderful to meet another kindred spirit.

    Liked by 1 person

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