Epistle of an over thinker

Morning sunshine

……

I’m sorry I don’t really know why I called, I guess I had a lot to say but now that you’re on the phone I can’t say anything. Everything has sunk down below. So here I am now, sending you a voice message and hopefully it contains everything I want to say to you.

You’ve been perfect, time and again, you’ve made me re evaluate everything in my life, because nothing compares to you and to me that just seems unreal. In the time I’ve been with you, you gave me a home. A place to call my own. I don’t think I could ever do anything that could amount to the love and care you’ve given me, so selflessly. While I,….

*forced laughter*

….I have done nothing but remind you how horrible life can be. My life is dark and its stories just dim your beautifully bright light a little each time I tell you something new. It makes me wonder just how much I can tell you, before you to become dark, dark like me.

But I can’t do that to you. You deserve someone who will hold your hand and pull you into happiness and light, a world where optimism perseveres. A pessimist like me, can only do so much acting before the truth comes gushing out. I can only pretend that everything in life is beautiful, I can’t believe it. I don’t think I ever will either.

I guess everyone knew before the both of us that it was only a matter of time before I’d give up on another good thing in my life as well. I hope the people around you , refrain from telling you ” I told you so”. I know how much you hate being proved wrong, I know how much you hate it when I come to terms with the sadness I am. Because you want to hold on to the idea that I’m actually a happy person, the idea that I’m becoming better and for too long I’ve let you indulge in this idea.

I wanted to be a part of your life, I still do, and I thought that if I could just fake to be what you want, what you need, I might just become it. But I know better now, the best way I can ensure you’re happy , is by doing this deed. I hope you will forgive me in the future, but right now at this point, you probably know where this is heading.

I just want you to know, you always have been and will be, my perfection. My everything. And it’s probably stupid to want to do this, but my mind and heart both say different things. Yet I’m finally choosing to listen to logic, and logic dictates, that while this may hurt you for a while, everything is temporary. And so you will move on. Hopefully to someone better.

Baby, you know either way I’d have limited time with you. I’m ending us and the world is ending me. Ironic. I can’t give you more years with me when I know it will just cause more heart break for you in the end.

I love you.

*more laughter*

I love you and right now, I’m not sure if I’m doing this so it’s easier for you or easier for me. I’d like to believe the first but knowing me, you’d probably agree, I’m doing this for myself. So that leaving this world, will seem an easier decision to accept if I have nothing left behind.

Either way, good bye.

I’m sorry our forever was so short. Our infinity; so small.

Good bye. It’s time to end this.

Good bye.

………………………………………………………………..

Fuck it.

*Static*

* This is all just fictional, I'd advise everyone to remember this. This is in no
way a death note, or a goodbye letter. It is just a story.*

 

 

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4 thoughts on “Epistle of an over thinker

  1. reminded me of the movie kal ho na ho…… when srk was dying and i was crying….everyone was crying tbh…. this post is something like that……
    this story, this beautifully painful story touched my cold heart…..
    God!!! would you believe me if i said i fell in love with the writer??

    Liked by 1 person

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