My entire life has always been a fight against the odds. It’s what I’ve always done, prove that I’m stronger than analytics and statistics. I mean if I had left my life to them, I would be dead. But I’m not and I’ve persevered through so many gigantic hurdles life has thrown at me. I’ve met death and death has become like a fellow friend now, I’ve showed up at his doorstep more times then I can remember but you know what I don’t want to anymore.
All my life I have always done just enough to stay at a distance away from it yet I’ve always constantly relapsed and gone knocking on it’s door. But it’s not enough any more, I want to move to a different continent. I want to ensure that death will only come in my life when it’s time to take me, no more casual encounters while walking on the roads.
In this past week or so, I found out some saddening news concerning my health and it was a disaster. Because I was finally rising up and not being such a pessimist about the world and truly believing that maybe my life is worth something and I should enjoy living it. It’s ironic really, isn’t it? She no longer wants to die and actually cares about her life, let’s tell her she’s pretty much screwed.
I fell hard when I first found out and for about a week, I didn’t tell anyone, not my boyfriend and not even my closest friends. I still haven’t told a lot of people I want to tell because I just can’t bring myself to tell them. Yet the people around me, my family, they all know and they stare at me like I’m already gone. Yes, my relationship with my family has always been a rocky one, which is why their new behavior really irks me. They all look at me like I’m some fragile glass toy that could be broken at any moment, and it truly puts fear into my heart that I’m not gonna make it.
But you see that’s not an option anymore, I have people, goals, ambitions that I want to live for. If you tell me I’m going to die soon you can sit down and grab some popcorn cause this is gonna be the most thrilling and enticing match between two rivals and I am gonna kick life and medical statistics’ metaphorical ass.
Something I’ve learnt along all my struggles is that positive thinking is the way to go, stop saying this won’t happen, and start saying it will and life instantly starts to make changes. I don’t know this is probably really cliche but believe in your fucking self and learn that you have the ability to do things that you right now are oblivious too. Love yourself while also learning to accept the love people give to you. This will not happen in a matter of days or maybe even months, you’ve gotta take your time. But you have to do it.
It’s popularly known that the only time you’ve failed is when you give up. I want to tell you that is not true, I gave up years ago. I was done trying to get better. I was waiting for the inevitable death that would finally take me away from this morbid society and world. The only time you truly fail in my opinion is when you are at the end of the road and you don’t have even one good memory to look back upon.When you succeed in taking your own life, that is when you have failed. Because if you are alive and surviving, at any given day you can choose to start living.
I know sometimes the situations around us are not ideal and there really is nothing in our hands that we can do to help ourselves and give us a whole 180° turn around. But you know what you have control over, your mind. The way we process what is happening to us, is the strongest weapon ever. Stop thinking of yourself as victim and instead picture yourself as a strong warrior who can at the very least survive this war. Like in my previous post I want to remind you all again that help is there for anyone who asks for it. You are never hopeless. There is always someone who can help you be better and make your life be better, apart from yourself.
I know people say that you always have you,but sometimes you can only be there for yourself to an extent, and you need help from other people. A very simple example for this is being an abusive house, you can help yourself by calling an agency to get you out or by running away. But you still need the help of other people for you to heal. This life wasn’t meant for to be fought alone, we all need our helpers, our guides, our motivators. Our story’s side line characters, while they themselves have their story as well. I mean without them, there is no story.
You’ve got to focus and hustle. Fight because your life is fucking worth it. Do not give up on yourself because you are a person who can accomplish many things in life and I promise to you, that day when you do. It’s worth it. It’s worth all the pain and gruesome and tiring work that you’ve done.
You can’t let destiny take control over everything, sometimes you’ve got to get up and find that fork in the path and take it. You’ve got to make your way and do your thing and become a beautiful person.
Negativity only brings us down. But once we get a hold of it and we train our mind to push away the negative thoughts and get in the positive, life becomes better. Not because it’s magically transformed, but because now you get to control how people and situations affect you and your growth.
Keep smiling butterflies. I hope you all are well.