Today’s a more personal blog post,a rant I guess in other words.
Lately the sinking feeling’s been back and I feel like everything around me is out of my grasp. I feel like everything I have is slipping out of my hands and to be honest I really don’t know how to stop myself from sinking further.
It’s funny how sometimes you catch yourself giving advice to others that you should also apply to yourself, but you just can’t seem to. I tell others to get help for themselves yet I sit and cry in a corner not bothering to tell anyone to what extent I feel like I’m drowning, I continue to be the happy supportive figure for others when I should first be one for myself.
I tend to put myself as the lowest priority in my own life and I have told myself several times that Pseudonym if you don’t survive then at least when you die you’ve helped as many people as possible before you completely lost it. But what about after I die? What happens to those very same people who come looking to me for advice and care and support? What will they do when they know what you’ve done to yourself ?
They will find someone else. I am after all nothing special, completely replaceable.
No one will miss me.
What about your boyfriend, your friends, what about other people that might love you that you don’t know about? Will their lives become a sad empty mess?
My brain tries to convince me it won’t while my heart says different. It tells me that these people will be in ruins just like I was when people I’ve loved and cared for died. I know the pain of being the one left behind then how could I do that to someone else. You are so stupid Pseudonym.
So I began to meditate for at least an hour everyday before going to sleep , in some hope that I’ll be able to collect my thoughts together and calm myself down and go back to being me or the me I think I am.
I dread school. I can’t do school work. I want to lie in bed and just watch YouTube videos, this obviously leads to my parents calling me a lazy hoe. I hate it. I just I want to escape.
I like sleep. It is like dying without having to give complete commitment to it, but at the end of the day it is just a form of escape. It doesn’t really do me any good, the problem still exists. The problem is there and I can try to avoid it as much as I want but eventually I will have to face it and when I do, the way I’m going right now, the problem will defeat me.
But the worst part is, well to me at least, is that I know. I know I’m going downhill. I know I’m beginning to fall of the wagon yet it’s like fate has already decided it’s path and all I can do is watch it play out.
It’s like when you run and trip and you know you are about to fall but you can’t stop yourself from falling and then someone recorded the whole incident and is making you watch it in slow motion. You know you are about to fall but you can do nothing to change that. If that makes any sense.
Keeping with the above metaphor, you might try to catch and hold on to something and it might stabilize you for a while but then the ground is wet and so your foot and hand begin to lose grip and you’re slipping and then suddenly you fall and SPLAT! You are gone.
I’m at that stage, I’m holding on to something trying not to fall but I can feel my hold slipping and you are squirming in hopes that you won’t fall and sometimes you might succeed but at the same time the fear is there, that you will fall. Yup that’s me.
Anyways I don’t know what else to say .
Song suggestion for the day – Cry for help by HomeTown.
Good bye internet.