“You created me, then why hurt me this way?”
So I think it’s clear to anyone who has read this blog before or even just seen the name of this blog that yes, I am just another depressed soul. A depressed soul that goes through life every single day.
It’s been this way since I was six years old. Being diagnosed with depression and anxiety issues and ever since then it’s been a come and go and heaven knows I’ve probably picked up several other mental and physical illnesses from then to now.
For those of you who may not know depression can be of many different types, it can be something like something is wrong with our brain chemistry , or they lost someone close to them, or they have gone through trauma.
My reasons are a mix of the latter two.
I know people might read this post and say no, this is not depression , I was diagnosed with depression and this is not what I felt like so ergo what she is dealing with isn’t depression. You couldn’t be more wrong.
Depression is different for each one of us , it attacks us all differently. It is like a monster that knows your irrational fears, insecurities and then forces you to see how bad your life is and to constantly keep them on check. To push you into this dark spiral like place where the thoughts and ideas surrounding you only contribute to this goal, this dark pit.
Today I’m talking in more detail about my reasons, my struggle.
Abuse from anyone hurts, be it your lover , someone you hate , a family member, a friend. But I think, stress on I THINK, that the worst is when a parent abuses you. These people who brought you into this world, who created you, who are supposed to love and care for you and when they abuse you I feel like nothing could be worse.
People say that no matter what family will always be behind you back, but what if they aren’t. Who are the people that are supposed to unconditionally love you now, who is supposed to help you grow, give you a mother’s love, a father’s advice.
Yes, I was abused. I was abused by my father. I’ve said this to a lot of my friends and counselors but it’s more like a detail of what it is he did to me physically. I never talk about how it scarred me emotionally or mentally. I mean, I guess,saying what he did to me caused me to have depression and anxiety issues and all these phobias does help give some sense to how it affected me emotionally/mentally but it just not that in depth. You get?
When I was younger and my father did these things to me , when he slapped me, or screamed abusive words at me or told me how I was nothing and useless, I believed them. I believed that I truly was worth nothing. That I was useless to the human society. I believed that my life was worth nothing, till this day this feeling remains within me. When I get into an argument with someone, I back down, I let them insult me, hurt me even if I know they were wrong and so many times my friends just look at me like “Girl, Watcha doing, Say something back”. I don’t. I just stand there still let them speak and hurt me and leave. Sometimes I will scream back , I will shout back but then I will feel guilty for days on end for standing up for what I thought was right. Wow that’s so stupid.
I do feel useless and worthless and feel like I can’t do anything right and no matter how much people approve of me or tell me I have talent or how many marks I get in exams, I feel this way. I feel like everyone else is lying to me and saying these things because it physically visible how much of a loser I am. It is hard to hear compliments and reply with a thank you because sometimes I just want to laugh because I can’t believe that someone , anyone would use these words to describe me. I am getting better at this though, at accepting that maybe people really do think this way about me , you know good things, but I will always find it easier to accept bad qualities and information about me then good ones.
I have horrible nightmares and it sucks because you can’t talk to anyone about them. If I told someone I couldn’t go to sleep because of nightmares, they would laugh at me and call me a lil kid and tell me to close my eyes, think of good things and sleep. My nightmares are not childish nightmares where I think there is a ghost following me and it’s under my bed, or that the boogeyman is coming for me. NO! My nightmares are of my dad beating me up, or torturing me or someone I love. Sometimes I can feel the pain and that’s why I wake up because it seems so real that it scares the living shit out of me.
Because of how much I was told that I was perfect at nothing , I can see that now when I try something new ( rare event) and I’m not perfect at it in the first few go’s I chuck it out the window. I give up. I stop caring. This is me in all my studies. If when the teacher is explaining in class and I don’t get it, I simply stop caring. I do not revise. I do not ask for help. No, I simply just don’t care anymore.
I find it hard to let people in, don’t get this mixed up, a lot of people think they know they are close to me and know a lot about me , oh you are so wrong. My outer personality is a self-coping technique with everything that is going on in my life. I talk a lot , I am so energetic, I laugh a lot. Yea , no. That ain’t the real me , the real me is a sad kid longing to find someone who understands the pain.
I feel like a broken soul. I do not feel like I’m a part of this world. Sometimes I chose to alienate myself because it’s so much more easier to push yourself aside then be pushed aside by other people. Sometimes it’s because I truly feel like these people are just too sweet to tell me to leave. You feel like you are the worst thing god has ever created, like you are the reason ISIS attacks people, like you are the reason that every bad thing has come to existence, basically you are Pandora’s box and when your parents brought you to life they brought all the badness to this world. Yea that’s some heavy shit.
Do I hate my dad? Yes I strongly believe I do. More importantly I want to know why? Why hurt me? You created me so why do you hurt me this way?
To be honest I wrote this more for myself than for my readers. To come to terms with the things that have happened , the repercussions of what my father did to me. But at the same time for anyone who is reading this and has maybe felt this way or knows someone who feels this way I want you to be able to understand that you are not alone and for people who know people like this maybe try to understand that their situation in life may not be the best. Talk to them. I don’t know.
To anyone out there who is going through parental abuse but not saying anything because you think you need to please your parents or you are scared they might hurt you, or where you will go if they take your parents away. I ask you to please reach out for help. There will be a way. Any place is safer than being with someone who abuses you , because that means a constant and direct danger to your life. Please find the strength and courage in yourself to speak up and tell anyone even if its a friend.
Small things can lead to big things. I promise you. Small steps can lead to you becoming a much happier and better person. It will be hard , no doubt about it, it will be hard but I believe you can do this.
Good bye internet and spread the love and take care of one another.