It was a regular Sunday night. Kids were partying. Cops were being called. Parents were worried. I was home alone. I sat on my average sized single bed blankly looking at the sky blue walls. The fan rotated at a slow speed and the gentle breeze of wind on my hands made me shiver. Yet I remained in that position for minutes maybe hours I couldn’t quite keep track. Mother had gone out , a patient of her’s had an emergency but what about the patient here at home who was desperately calling out for help with her silence. No one cared. They assumed I had just become this way quiet,sad,shy and had simply just lost that bundle of joy I used to be. Thinking back I can’t remember when this had happened, it just had.
One morning I had woken up with a certain emptiness inside and no matter what I did I couldn’t fill it , so instead I tried to forget it. I reached down to my drawer and pulled out a pack of happiness, my thin cylinders filled with slices of tobacco. I lit one and took a puff and within seconds I began to relax. I forgot my worries, my troubles,the pain, everything.
I was so lost in a world of my own that I didn’t notice the main door swinging open and my mother walking in from work. I missed the sound of her heels go click clack on the stairs that reached out to my bedroom. I missed it all and then she swung open my bedroom door and I scrambled into my covers needing a few more puffs before I could worry about hiding the cigarette.
She was used to it by now, the hiding as she walked in and the silence whenever she asked me questions about how my day was, yet she did it every day. I wondered how she could keep up with it, didn’t she get tired of this routine, because I sure was. Yet she came in every day kissed my head that hid underneath the blanket,asked me how my day was and then walked back out as though everything was okay. I missed talking to her but how could I when I no longer knew what to say. So instead I took a few more puffs and then I came out from the covers and made my way to the bathroom.
It was a room made just for someone like me, razor blades lay on a corner and right next to them the big and thick bracelets I wore to hide the art I drew on myself. No mirrors anywhere for I hated how I looked these days. Five to six bottles of mouth wash and mouth sprays to hide the smell of the smoke and air fresheners to keep my room smelling like lemony fresh goodness with real slices of lemon. Yay. A dustbin filled with cigarette butts. I slipped into the shower and let the steaming hot water hit my naked skin hoping that it would wash away all this pain, all this worry, all this nonsense I had become addicted too but I just couldn’t stop
I sat there in the shower until the water turned ice cold and I sat a little longer letting it sting on places where the hot water had left burns and I stepped out.I wore a nice big extra large
T-shirt, went to my bed and lay down. Took another one out of the packet and began to smoke and blowing out
perfectly shaped ‘O” rings.
I stared blankly at my sky blue walls,taking a puff each second and in that moment I felt at ease even though in the back of my head I knew I was ruined. The girl I once knew that resided within me was far gone and now all I was , all I am is a never ending pit filled with darkness in which I would drown.